Some of the poems that I recite from memory:
The Bride
The bride, white of hair, stoops over her cane,
Her footsteps, uncertain, need guiding;
And now, down the aisle, with a wan toothless smile,
The groom in a wheelchair comes riding.
And who is this elderly couple, thus wed?
You'll find, when you've closely explored it,
That here is that rare, most conservative pair
Who waited 'til they could afford it!
Hi Diddle Diddle
Hi Diddle Diddle, I'm watching my middle,
I'm hoping to whittle it soon,
But eating's such fun, I may not get it done
'Til my dish runs away with my spoon.
Methuselah
Methuselah ate what he found on his plate,
And never, as people do now
Did he note the amount of calorie count;
He ate it because it was chow.
He wasn't disturbed as at dinner he sat
Devouring a roast or a pie,
To think it was lacking in HDL fat
Or a couple of vitamins shy.
He cheerfully chewed each species of food,
Unmindful of troubles or fears
That his health might be hurt by some fancy dessert;
And he lived over 900 years!
Late October
One night in late October when he was far from sober
Returning with his load with manly pride,
His feet began to stutter, so he lay down in the gutter
And a pig came up and lay down by his side.
Now for a while they both quite peaceful lay,
'Til a lady passing by was heard to say,
"You can tell a man who boozes by the company he chooses."
And the pig got up and quickly walked away.
Mighty Oak
Don't worry if your job is small, if your rewards are few;
Remember that the mighty oak was once a nut like you.
Breathes There a Man
Breathes there a man with soul so dead,
Or blessed with moneyed unconcern,
Who, call completed, fails to grope
In pay phone slot marked COIN RETURN?
Sincerity Sufficient?
Johnny took a drink one day, but Johnny drinks no more;
'Cause what he thought was H2O was H2SO4!
The Worm
The earth was wet with the dew of the dawn
As the warm scented breeze swept over the lawn.
A big fat worm came out of the ground
To see the world and to look around.
And as he gazed at the azure sky
Another little worm came up nearby.
Said he with a wiggle, "You're a cute little worm;
Let's you and I go out for a squirm.
'I could easily fall in love with you
If you'd condescend to a rendezvous."
But the cute little worm just shook its head
And to the big fat worm it said,
"No rendezvous between us two,
"Cause I'm the other end of you!"
Doctor Jones
Doctor Jones fell in the well and died without a moan.
He should have tended to the sick and let the well alone!
Latin Class
Latin is a dead language, as dead as dead can be.
First it killed the Romans, and now it's killin' me!
Latin
All those are dead who wrote it;
All those are dead who spoke it;
All those will die who learn it;
Oh, blessed death, they earn it!
How'm I Doin'?
I can live with my arthritis; my dentures fit me fine;
I can see through my bi-focals, but I sure do miss my mind.
Conceit
I think that I shall never see
A guy as wonderful as me!
Oh, I'm conceited, you can see;
But you'd be too if you were ME!
I Love Me
I love me, I think I'm grand;
I sit at the concert and hold my hand;
I slip my arm around my waist,
And if I get fresh I slap my face!
(And then I move to another place)
The Monkey and the Hippo
Said the monk to the hipp as he swang in the breeze,
Hanging down by his tail from a vine in the trees,
"Ole' hippo my boy, don't you wish you were me,
To roam the whole jungle so happy and free?
'I flit all about, with never a care;
I romp and I play, as free as the air."
The hippo looked up and said with a grunt,
"That may be all right for you, little runt;
'But imagine the strain it would place on your trees
If ever I tried to swing in the breeze!"
But although he answered with reason so witty,
He said to himself, "It's really a pity
'That I have to stay down here on the ground,
While that little snip goes swinging around."
So that night as he lay at ease in the ooze,
Taking his nightly and nocturnal snooze,
He dreamed of a tail like an elephant's trunk,
And thought he was playing around with the monk.
His aerial antics caused quite a sensation,
And upset the calm of the whole monkey nation.
Trees swayed and bent below his wild lurches,
And jarred all the birds right loose from their perches.
But his wonderful tail was new to the job,
And soon had an ache and a terrible throb.
His muscles relaxed, and quit with a quiver,
And headlong he plunged, down into the river.
The splash could be heard 10 miles and a half.
It wiped out a village and drowned a giraffe.
Flamingos and fishes were strewn far and wide,
And trees were laid flat by the force of the tide!
And then he awoke; with a start, and a fright;
But pleased and amazed that things were all right.
"I surely was acting the part of a donkey,"
Said he, "When I listened to that silly monkey.
'A fall such as that would have broken my neck,
So I'll stay on the ground and I'll like it, by ...George."
Speed
There was a young man named Jim Wright
Who could travel much faster than light
He went out one day in the usual way,
And came back the previous night.
It Couldn't Be Done
By Edgar A. Guest
Somebody said that it couldn't be done, but he with a chuckle replied
That maybe it couldn't, but he would be one to not say so until he had tried.
So he buckled right in with a trace of a grin on his face. If he worried, he hid it.
He started to sing as he tackled the thing that couldn't be done, and he did it.
Somebody scoffed: "Oh, you'll never do that; at least no one ever has done it";
But he took off his coat and he took off his hat, and the first thing we knew, he'd begun it.
With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin, without any doubting or quiddit,
He started to sing as he tackled the thing that couldn't be done and he did it.
There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done, there are thousands to prophesy failure;
There are thousands to point out to you one by one, the dangers that wait to assail you.
But just buckle in with a bit of a grin, just take off your coat and go to it;
Just start in to sing as you tackle the thing that "cannot be done", and you'll do it!
Catsup
Frustration looms extracting from that viscious catsup bottle!
You shake, you pound; nothing’ll come; but suddenly, a lot’ll!
The Plan of the Master Weaver
My life is but a weaving between my Lord and me,
I may not choose the colors; He knows what they should be.
For He can view the pattern upon the upper side,
While I can see it only ... on this, the under side.
Sometimes He weaveth sorrow, which seemeth strange to me;
But I will trust His judgement and work on faithfully.
'Tis He who fills the shuttle, and He knows what is best,
So I shall weave in earnest, and leave to Him the rest.
Not 'til the loom is silent and the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why
The Dark Threads are as needed in the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of Gold and Silver in the pattern He has planned.
The Golden Hair
The golden hair Patricia wears is hers; who would have thought it!
‘Tis hers, she swears; and true she swears, ‘cause I know where she bought it.
The Funeral
Down the street the funeral goes, while sobs and wails diminish;
He died of drinking straight shellac - but he had a lovely finish.
The Mirror
My face in the glass isn’t wrinkled or drawn
My house isn’t dirty; the cobwebs are gone!
My garden is lovely, and so is my lawn!
I think I will not put my glasses back on!
The Garden Gate
Don’t make love by the garden gate!
Love is blind, but the neighbors ain’t!
The Checkup
Thought I’d let my doctor check me ‘cause I didn’t feel just right;
All these aches and pains annoyed me, and I couldn’t sleep at night.
He could find no real disorder, but he wouldn’t let it rest; what with
Medicare and Blue Cross, “We’ll just have another test!”
To the hospital he sent me, tho’ I didn’t feel that bad.
He arranged for them to give me every test that could be had.
I was flourescoped and systescoped, my aging frame displayed
Stripped on an ice-cold table while my gizzards were x-rayed.
I was checked for worms and parasites, for fungus and the crud,
While they pierced me with long needles taking samples of my blood.
Doctors came to check me over, prodded pushed and poked around;
And to make sure I was living, they then wired me for sound!
They have finally concluded, (the results have filled a page),
What I have will someday kill me! My affliction is .... old age!
The Mule
On a mule we find two legs behind, and two we find before.
If we stand behind, we quickly find what the two behind be for!
The Propeller
Copyright 2003 by James R. Wright
On the front of an airplane is mounted a blade
That spins rather fast through the air,
And the interested passenger sometimes will ask
What it is, and, “Why is it there?”
A fan’s what it is, the pilot to cool,
And steady and help keep his wits.
And if you don’t believe it, I hope you’re around
To see how he sweats when it quits!
The Twins
In form and feature, face and limb I grew so like my brother,
That folks got taking me for him, and each for one another.
It puzzled all our kith and kin, it reached an awful pitch,
‘Cause one of us was born a twin, yet not a soul knew which!
One day to make the matters worse, before our names were fixed,
While we were being washed by nurse, we got completely mixed.
And so, you see, by fate’s decree, (or rather nurse’s whim),
My brother John got christened me and I got christened him!
This fatal likeness even dogged my footsteps when at school,
And I was always getting flogged, for John turned out a fool.
I put this question hopelessly to everyone I knew:
“What would you do, if you were me, to prove that you were you?”
This close resemblance turned the tide of my domestic life,
And somehow my intended bride ... Became my brother’s wife!
In short year after year, the same absurd mistakes went on,
But when I died, the neighbors came and buried Brother John!
The Turkey
The turkey shot out of the oven, and rocketed into the air.
It knocked every plate off the table, and partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner and burst with a deafening BOOM.
Then it splattered all over the kitchen, completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows. It totally coated the floor.
There was turkey attached to the ceiling where there’d never been turkey before.
It blanketed every appliance; it smeared every saucer and bowl;
There wasn’t a way I could stop it. That turkey was OUT OF CONTROL!
I scraped and scrubbed with displeasure. And I thought with chagrin as I mopped,
That I’d never again stuff a turkey with popcorn that hadn’t been popped.
Flight Instruction
Copyright 2004 by James R. Wright
Flying an airplane is easy, you see.
It’s all what you do with that wheel.
Adjusting the size of things on the ground,
Is of utmost importance, I feel.
If you push the wheel forward, the houses get bigger;
Pull it back, they get smaller; but then,
If you hold the wheel back too far and too long,
Those houses get BIGGER again!